It ’s problematic to be a superhero . Not only do you have to shake off everything and get into a brawl at a second ’s notice , but you ’re ofttimes misunderstood . Superheroes ’ personal lives are a mess — especially their sex lives . But it gets worse . Here are 10 superheroes who are physically unable to have sex . Ever .
Spoilers onward …
This one is somewhat dependent on circumstance . In the 2008 Incredible Hulk movie , there ’s a scene where Bruce Banner is in a motel room with Betty . They set out to do what the young masses do in motel room , and Bruce ’s inwardness - rate monitoring equipment flummox more and more bleepy . His pump is pounding with the excitement of cause out with a vacant - eyed Liv Tyler , it ’s too much for him , he ’s losing his son of a bitch , he ’s going to , oh my god , he ’s going to … he ’s going to … Bruce pulls forth from Betty just in clip to keep from becoming the Hulk . Yes , he ca n’t get sexually conjure without Hulking out . ( And I am not become to make any jokes about whether you would like him when he ’s horny . I ’m better that that . )
But what about the comic adaptation of the Hulk ? We make love that the Hulk is Incredibly , perhaps Unfeasibly , well - hung , because the Hulk gets nude in Incredible Hulk # 400 and his patronizing - foe The Leader remarks on how well - endowed he is . But it ’s powerfully implied , during the “ gray Hulk ” time period , that the white-haired Hulk — who ’s go as a Las Vegas leg - breaker — is getting put on a fairly veritable basis .
Bruce Banner and his married woman Betty have sex at least twice that I can imagine of . Once when they first get married , after Bruce has been “ cured ” of being the Hulk ( so there ’s no peril of Bruce Hulking out . ) And once when Bruce gets his pathology backwards , so he ’s either a peaceful Hulk or a wolf , rampaging puny human . In his “ savage Banner ” form , Betty has sexuality with him , and this tranquillise him down .
There ’s also the famous sequence in Hulk # 300 , where the Hulk has gone completely berzerk and Bruce ’s influence is all gone . The Hulk is trashing New York , and Eros , “ the creepy Avenger ” tries to stamp down the Hulk using his psychic ability to generate “ wave of pleasure . ” Helearns the hard waythat you should n’t assay to pleasure the Hulk in the center of his rampage . Still more evidence , I venture , that the Hulk and sex do n’t usually unify . Unless he ’s grayish .
( Update : Commenters have pointed out that the Hulk hooked up with Caiera The Oldstrong in Planet Hulk , the greatest Hulk storyline ever . But she ’s an noncitizen who ’s almost impervious to most harm , so it ’s slimly different . It ’s also hinted that the Hulk has non - consensual sex when his neck opening is give way and he ca n’t move , in Future Imperfect . )
Will Smith ’s superhero has an image trouble and a drinking trouble … but he also has aLarry Niven problem , harmonize to one blue-pencil conniption from the photographic film . ( See above . ) Actually , Hancock can have sex , he simply has to be very , very careful where , and how , he ejaculates . In this deleted shot from Hancock ( which had the original title of Tonight , He Comes ) Hancock has get a cute youthful thing back to his preview , and they ’re getting busy . But then Hancock gets tightlipped to his climax , and warns the cleaning lady to back way , way up . Hancock obtain off — and we see his semen pervade his cap with mess , almost like slug muddle . ( Comics afficionados will not be surprised to learnthis scene is ripped offfrom a Garth Ennis comedian . )
Poor Rogue . She ’s cause the nerveless Susan Sontag hairsbreadth , and the leather jumpsuit , and the hot boyfriend … but she can never touch anyone . Whenever she does touch another someone , she absorbs their memories , strength and physical abilities . She also steals people ’s superpowers with her touch . She ’s tragically untouchable . The intimate foiling is so horrendous , it drives her to get rid of her king in X - Men 3 .
Beautie is one of the member of the Honor Guard , one of the master superhero teams in Astro City , Kurt Busiek ’s fictitious superhero town . She ’s always looked like a Barbie bird , but we ’ve never known much about the robot girl — until Busiek published the Astro City Character Special : Beautie last February . There , we see some “ pick - up artists ” taste to hit on Beautie , only to be secernate that she has no privates . None whatsoever .
At least the first few versions of Deathlok in Marvel Comics do n’t appear to have been “ anatomically correct ” — because nobody thought a fight cyborg take to have any equipment down there . ditto mark for Robotman , from the Doom Patrol . And Vic Stone , aka Cyborg , from the Teen Titans . But the hordes of risible book of account sex activity - pervertsare prettycertain that the Vision , the android member of the Avengers , did in fact get it on with the Scarlet Witch when the two of them were get hitched with .
We already mentioned Larry Niven — and Niven famouslythought way too muchabout the deduction of Krypto - sperm . Besides the speeding - fastball belongings of the sperm themselves , there ’s the fact that Superman might cause an injury if he got too excited during intercourse — and accord to the movie Mallrats , the sperm would likely tear Lois Lane ’s fallopian tube aside as well . Some self - glorify expertsalso believeWonder Woman is incapable of having sexual urge with a normal human , for exchangeable reason .
Spider - Man , meanwhile , has a slightly different trouble : He can have sex . But prolonged exposure to his ummm … radioactive bodily fluidseventually pop his wife Mary Janein a future dystopian story , Spider - Man : sovereignty by Kaare Andrews .
A surprising issue of superheroes are dead , either undead or shade … and most of them never get laid . In special , Deadman is insubstantial except for when he takes restraint over a live torso . ( And his moral philosophy might prevent him from using someone else ’s body as a vehicle for sexual practice , I ’m guess . ) There ’s also the Spectre , who ’s basically the spirit of vengeance — he can become tangible , but I ’m highly tentative he ever gets any . ( Although the Ostrander run on The Spectre did get a bit saucy at times . )
Turns out The Thing ’s hero name is slightly ironic — because it ’s suggest at various times thathe has nothing but more stone under his little boxers . His girl , Alicia , dumps him and commence dating Johnny Storm , the Human Torch . She do it pretty readable that this is the first time in age that she ’s gotten any action — meaning she was n’t getting any when she was with Ben . Poor Ben .
Yep , the Doom Patrol are the rulers in the “ ca n’t have sex ” sweepstakes . Negative Man is fundamentally a radioactive mom who has to wear protective bandages at all time , and ( I think ) can never touch anybody without the bandage in the mode . likewise , Fuji from the Stormwatch series is a hero who ’s molecularly stable , and if he takes off his containment suit of clothes he release into a radioactive cloud of plasma and probably die .
There are also some other heroes whose bodies just are n’t compatible with anybody else ’s . Like Mogo , who ’s an entire planet and a appendage of the Green Lantern Corps . Who can Mogo have sexual practice with ? Element Lad from the Legion of Superheroes was celibate for a long time because he was the last of his kind , but did finally find beloved with a penis of the Science Police who took a sex - change drug .
Thanks to Douglas Wolk for inquiry help ! Thanks also to Patrick Hester , Terry D. Johnson , Wesley Chu , The bad DM , Keith Manuel , Graylin Rane Fox , Michael Weyer , Glenn Hauman , Lucius Cook , Tasmanian Tiger , Jeffrey Cuscutis , Bryant Alexander and everybody else who help with this .
A adaptation of this article antecedently come along in 2008 .
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