Photo: Nick He
Nick He
What was your journey to having the family life you have today?I was born in China, and in a way, I feel blessed to have grown up there because I never had to address my sexual orientation. As a child, all my parents cared about was my education and I didn’t know anything about the LGBTQ community, so it wasn’t until middle school that I realized I might be gay. Over the course of my adolescence, I went through many different and painful experiences trying to figure out my sexuality.
Years later, after college and after I had moved to the United States, I met my current husband Bryan on Craigslist. We talked for hours and eventually decided to meet up. We were attracted to each other but it was complicated. He grew up with divorced parents, didn’t believe in marriage and wanted an open relationship — which was complicated, because after we met, we basically spent every day together.
Early on, before Bryan and I got serious, I decided to book a trip to Europe to explore and learn more about gay culture. I called it my “gay education trip.” I used the CouchSurfing website to book my entire stay with gay couples for three weeks. During my trip, I saw so many different gay couples, including one couple in Belgium, when I realized I really wanted what they had. Their relationship inspired me to text Bryan to tell him that I wanted to be with him. Then, when I got back to the U.S., I ended up moving in with him and we’ve been together ever since. We had a courthouse wedding in 2013 and a year later, I started to explore the idea of adoption.
I first went onfindsurrogatemother.comto see if I could find a surrogate but I wasn’t having much luck. Then, a woman from an agency called Tiny Sprouts reached out to me; I felt so connected with her and we decided to work together. After about a month or two, she helped us meet our surrogate mother Chelsie, who gave birth to our oldest daughter Phoebe; now Chelsie has basically become family. After Phoebe was born, we asked to work with her again. The second time around, we used Bryan’s sperm with an egg from a second egg donor and we used my sperm with an egg from our original egg donor so our twins, Hanalei and Chelsie, look completely different. One is a blonde, white girl and the other is a mix of Chinese, Spanish and Irish.
How did your upbringing influence your parenting style?I feel like there are several things — good and bad — that I’ve taken from my parents. In Chinese culture, it’s normal for parents to tell their kids what to do but I decided that I didn’t want to choose that path. I’d rather learn what my kids want to do and then explore options with them. I do, however, like how hard work is always enforced in Chinese culture because it’s important for my girls to understand that nothing comes easy.
My parents have both come a long way with accepting the fact that I’m gay. My parents used to visit me in the states every summer, and once I moved in with Bryan, I decided to write them a letter and it was a disaster. My mom came to visit but then changed her flight to go back to China early and cried every single day. When she was at the airport ready to leave, she said she never wanted to visit Seattle again; that broke my heart and we didn’t talk for almost a year.
She slowly started to talk to me again after she had tried to learn more about gay culture; she told me she watched movies where gay guys killed themselves because their parents didn’t accept them. I told her that I would never do that and she understood, but it wasn’t until after we had our kids that my parents completely changed.
I realized then that I don’t think it was really about my sexuality but more about the fact that they thought I wouldn’t be able to have a family, which made them sad. Now, they tell all their friends that I’m gay and that they have three granddaughters. Even my 93-year-old grandma back in Hunan, China knows I’m gay and she’s proud of me and my family.
This taught me that you have to have confidence in your parents, and give them some time. Don’t just imagine that they won’t accept you or they won’t be able to change. The relationship that I have with my family is the main reason why I’ve decided to share my life and my journey in a book that I wrote calledTwo Dads and Three Girls. I’d like for people to read my story so they can see that anything is possible as long as you communicate and show compassion to those who may not understand your journey at first.
What’s your favorite thing about parenting?My favorite part is picking up Phoebe from daycare every day and then going home to see the twins. I love how they run to me and then yell, “Daddy!” It erases everything; All my troubles melt away. Even thinking about it makes me tear up, I just enjoy those moments so much.
What’s the best advice you can share with new parents?My first piece of advice is not to be scared, especially for LGBTQ parents. I was terrified after that doctor told me that I didn’t have “maternal instincts” and I started to doubt myself so much. Even though I felt crushed, I learned that I definitely have instincts to take care of my own kids and I’m glad I didn’t let his words get to me. I also truly believe that it really does take a village to raise children. I’m thankful that my parents can help us out and give us advice when we need it.
What would you want your kids to say about you as a parent?I would want them to say that I love and support them every day. I hope they feel like they can be whatever they want to be because Bryan and I will always have their backs, no matter what.
source: people.com
